


What if?

by LittleDiva



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Gen, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 18:50:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18474964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleDiva/pseuds/LittleDiva
Summary: I want to close my eyes and never wake up. I want to walk out into the street without checking for cars. I want to step in front of a train. I want to go someplace high and just let myself fall. Mix bleach and glass cleaner and any number of other chemicals together and just breathe it all in.Anything and everything that could kill me passes through my mind in a flash as I go about daily life.What if? What if? What if?





	What if?

At no point in the last six years have I not been suicidal.  
I want to close my eyes and never wake up. I want to walk out into the street without checking for cars. I want to step in front of a train. I want to go someplace high and just let myself fall. Mix bleach and glass cleaner and any number of other chemicals together and just breathe it all in.  
Anything and everything that could kill me passes through my mind in a flash as I go about daily life. What if? What if? What if?

 

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and ignore it. And I’ve been ignoring it, everyday for six years. Except when I haven’t. The medication helped a little bit, for a little while, until it didn’t and then it became just another what if? So, I stopped.

And I kept going. Every day a chore, a fight to keep going. Get out of bed, brush your hair, go to work, have a shower, take your rubbish out.  
Some days were easier than others. Some days were harder. And some days, some days are like this.   
I could explain why I’m writing this note. I could explain why I think I feel this way. But what I’m feeling right now is fleeting. The reasons I feel this way are always changing. When I wake up tomorrow, if I wake up tomorrow, I may not feel this way anymore, or I may feel the same, or it may be even worse. The reason doesn’t matter, I know I’m not right, not well, not healthy. I’m just making up excuses. I’m putting the blame on someone else, something else, instead of just accepting.  
I should be asking for help. Except I’ve done that before and it didn’t work. Maybe that means I can’t be helped, maybe that means the people trying to help don’t care, maybe that means I don’t want help. Whatever. I asked, I didn’t receive, so what’s the point.

No, that’s not true. I did get help, for all of a moment. And then the help stopped because they didn’t think I needed it anymore. 

Why is it on me to keep asking for help? I asked, I made my issues known. Why do I have to keep asking? Why can’t you just notice? 

I went to work today and as soon as my co-worker saw me she asked if I was ok. She’s so sweet and gentle and has so much going on in her life right now I can’t add myself to that burden, I just can’t. “nothing I can’t handle, just having a day” I said all the while thinking why does a person I only see once a week notice something the people I live with don’t?  
Or do they see it but ignore it? Because its normal? Why is it normal? I don’t want this to be normal, but nothing I do seems to change it.  
So maybe, just maybe, what if?

**Author's Note:**

> Relax. It's not real.
> 
> but what if?


End file.
